Conversation with Amrit.

It was Amrit's 21st birthday on 17th August'10 - Amrit is the awful orphan's baby brother. I haven't spoken to Amrit in over a year. I think that's sad but I've come to accept the situation. When the months start rolling into years you learn to accept that life is not easy, it's not all a bed of roses. If I had sent Amrit a letter on his 21st birthday, this is what I would have said.

Happy 21st birthday Amrit. I wish your Mum and Dad were here to see you as a man - not the boy they left behind. I'm sorry I didn't send you a card, phone you or text you on your birthday. As you know the family has split into factions since your Father died. Within a matter of 4 to 5 weeks problems arose between your brother, your Massar and me. The problems got worse and your brother did a very good job of pushing all of us away. The rest of the extended family decided to take sides and marginalised your Massar, me and our kids. No one tried to mediate or find out what was wrong. Phupar and Phua decided not to be proactive, even though as elders in the family, there was a lot they could have done. Your Massar, me and the kids were villified by the whole family and no one wanted it any other way. I wonder why?

Getting back to your birthday. I would hope that your Mother and your Father would have been proud of you on your 21st birthday - that's what all parents want. They want their kids to be healthy, happy and have a good future. As parents we want our kids to be good people; kind, caring, considerate people who know how to give love and receive love. This can only happen, if we as parents are kind, caring and considerate and if we love our children beyond anything else - above even ourselves.

As your Massi, who was there for you when your Mother died - I can say with my hand on my heart, in all truth, that I treated you like my own son. I treated you better than my own son. I cared for you. I was kind and considerate to you and above all I loved you. I prayed for you, I talked to you, I sat with you, I gave you my time, my energy and my attention. I hugged you and I kissed you.

Not being able to see you or talk to you over the past 16 to 20 months has been hard for me. I didn't just forget about you. You didn't drop into a black hole in my mind. You didn't drop off the world for me. Just because I haven't seen you or spoken to you in person, doesn't mean I haven't communicated with you - I have had numerous conversations with you in my head; every day for the first 6 months or so. Then less over the next 6 months or so. The last 6 to 8 months have been better and worse. Worse because you moved into Caelo late last year and I saw you quite often and that stirred up so many emotions in me; better because I wasn't thinking about you, your brother or your Mum and Dad as often as I had in the past. My mind had been cluttered with all of you. I asked myself thousands of times, why this was happening to all of us. I went over events with you, your brother, your parents, to see if I could find answers. Did you all hate me so much? How did I miss it? What did your Mum say to me? What did Phaji say to me? What did I say? What did I do? Why hadn't this happened when they were alive?

I still don't have any answers for these questions. They just go round and round in my head. I have got used to not seeing you though. Time is a healer. Time does help. But on your Mum's 6th anniversary it was hard for me; then on Phaji's 1st anniversary and Bhog, it was a difficult and emotional time. Now your 21st birthday; again difficult; but I will get over this too. Time passes very fast and life goes on.

There will be other milestones; when your brother gets married, when you get married, when either of you have children. I will have to get over all of them. I'm sure I will. It might be sad for me, it might be a wrench for me but I will manage because I've managed so far.

Don't think it's been easy - it hasn't - I had countless sleepless nights. Not out of guilt, out of worry and upset, because that's the kind of person I am. I haven't done any thing wrong for you, your brother, your Father or your Mother. If other people think I have done something so bad to deserve the treatment I got over the last 20 months, then I disagree 100 per cent. It's easy for people to say, she can't sleep because she has a guilty conscience. Well wrong! I don't. I can't sleep because I am an emotional and caring person, I have feelings and I'm a natural worrier. Too bad for me.

I've been quite sick over the last 20 months or so. I have been diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I have been very depressed; my antidepressants have been increased a few times. I have had lots of bouts of back pain and not been able to do a thing, let alone get to work. I have had at least 4 sinus infections and countless coughs and colds; all due to stress. I don't just wake up everyday and shrug off my problems and have a rosy happy life every day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. I'm not like that. The past 20 months have been sad and bad for me. They have been tough on me and my family. But luckily because of the love and support of your Massar, Amrita, Jasmeet, and Gurpal - I am ok. More than ok, I'll be able to handle more of the same heartache that I have handled for the last 20 months. I am stronger and more able now. Whatever the future throws at me, with regard to my extended family - I promise you and your brother - I will cope. Thanks to both of you.

Your brother didn't manage to break me. He tried hard enough and he came pretty close but he's not strong enough. I came very close to losing my mind a good few times but even God will help those people who have nothing bad in their hearts for other humans. I can say I have nothing bad in my heart for one other person who I know or have known. I never will have. Nobody can break a person's spirit if God doesn't will it. I believe that with all my heart.

I did not mean to make this a letter of accusations. It was supposed to be about your birthday and why I did not contact you. I don't blame you for what has happened. I do understand that when you have one member of your immediate family left in the whole world, you have to stick with them - I understand that you would have stuck with your Veer no matter what; good or bad; right or wrong - I do understand that. However you were an adult, you weren't a child, you could have tried to find out what was wrong. What had we done? Who did we murder?!? Even our religion tells you to forgive, to love and to be a good human being. Our religion tells you about Insaaniat. That's the most important thing any religion can teach you. In the last 20 months, you heard one side of the story and probably lots of random versions from various members of the extended family and you made no effort to hear my side, Massar's side, Amrita's side, Jasmeet's side or Gurpal's side. Obviously you were told not to contact any of us and you did what you were told. Result - you loose a minimum of 6 members of your extended family. That's what your Veer wanted you to sacrifice. What was he afraid of? What did he think we would do to you? Did he think we would kidnap you? Kill you? Poison you? What was it? What was the worse thing that could have happened for you to be aware of what was going on, on a week by week basis? He obviously had things to hide. How long will he be able to hide them for? Everything will come to light one day and it won't be long now. What will he do then? Will he send you into exile - send you to India for a year or would you prefer the USA? How will he keep you from finding out what he did, what he said, who he abused, who he slandered? I'll tel you how - there is no way he will be able to stop you from finding out one day, exactly what happened and who did what and who said what.

It's obvious you feel let down by all of us and feel you had bad treatment from all of us after your Father died. It's obvious you also have a lot of questions you want answered and you have every right to those feelings and thoughts. I hope you get the answers to your questions one day and I hope you don't have to wait too long.

If you ever want to talk to me about what has happened I am willing to listen to you and give you any answers I can. If you don't want to see me on your own that's fine too - I'm willing to see you with anybody of your choice except for your Massi nisha. No, sorry, I'll change my mind on that, I'm willing to see you even if you want her to come with you. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to give you the chance to tell me how you feel and what you want to say to me - good or bad.

I have no ill feelings towards you. I wish you good health, happiness and success in whatever you choose to do. I wish you a good life. Your Massi.

BBQ

We have more reason to have fun and have a good time - thankfully. We had a BBQ on Sunday 1st August. We had a proper get together finally; it was probably the first time this year that we had a few of our friends and some of the kids friends over to the house. We started early as it was a Sunday; we had lots of good food and drink. We bought alloo tikki (potatoe cutlets) with cholay (chick peas) and tamarind chutney. We BBQed chicken and vegetables on skewers. Our very good friend made tandoori paneer. Another good friend made marinated tofu. We had salads galore; enough to feed the 5,000! There were also lamb kebabs - delicious; the best kebabs in the whole of Great Britain. My husband who made most of the food, also made tharka dhal (spiced lentils) on the gridle.

The food went down a treat, it was absolutely delicious. Everybody was so so full. My husband's BBQ gets better and better every year. It is legendary. Stories about his BBQ are told all over from, San Francisco to Delhi to New York to Penang!

We all had a great evening - it was lovely to be able to relax and have fun with friends and family after such a long time. We used to do this kind of entertaining almost every weekend but now we seem to be so wrapped up in our problems that we don't do much at all. That needs to change. We need to make time to relax, have fun and generally chill out.