Mercy!

I went back to the doctor today. I'm still depressed but at least I'm sleeping. The doc said I could either carry on with the sleeping tablets (that was his prefference) or increase my anti depressants. I decided to do both. I'm not coping well at all. The deadline the bank has set is looming. Friday is the last day we have to wrap this up or things will just get a lot worse. I know that on Friday the paperwork will not be signed; I'm tearful, anxious and very irritable. So it makes sense to cover all the bases.

For the first time in a long time I cried in front of the doctor today. I was quite distressed talking about my problems. Upsetting for my husband as well as for me. I realised how low I was feeling when I talked about the awful orphan to the doc. It all just poured out, all my emotions and hurt and tears. I wasn't expecting to be so emotional - it was like a wave, it just came over me; I couldn't stop myself.

I left the doctor in tears; I even spoke to the receptionist in tears. OMG. On the way home my husband tried to comfort me; he really wasn't expecting me to be so upset and be feeling so depressed. I've done quite a good job of putting on a brave front for the family.

After a couple of minutes of being in the car, I called my brother. I asked him to ask the awful orphan to sign the paperwork for the bank by Friday - I felt as if I was begging him but I didn't really care. I was desperate. I was in tears the whole time I was talking to him. I know it was upsetting for him too. I was off the phone in a minute or two. I haven't asked him for anything for over a year. I just said- please just ask him to sign. My brother said he would talk to the awful orphan and call me back. I told my brother he didn't need to call me back. Just ask for me, that's all.