Mum.

Mum's back in hospital again. She was admitted early on Friday 4th June. She has fluid around the heart and in the lungs which makes breathing difficult. She has a lot of problems which complicate things. Kidney problems, liver problems, diabetes, arthritis, osteoporosis and the list goes on and on.

My brother has been looking after my Dad and my Mum during this time. He has enlisted the help of one of my nephews. Not the awful orphan or his brother though. I'm pretty sure that would be too much like hard work for my brother, so he won't even bother. My brother's been back and forward to and from Milton Keynes since Mum went into hospital.

A year ago I would have been helping out but not now; not for the last 11 months. I'll do the minimum now and put myself first; not my brother, not my Mum and not my Dad. Just me.

I went to see Mum on 14th June - she'd been in hospital for 10 days already. She was ok considering all her problems. She was sitting up. She talked to me for the best part of and hour. She didn't want her dinner, I persuaded her to have a tiny bit. Then she had a mango that I had cut up and taken in for her. Luckily my Dad had asked me to do that on his behalf. I wouldn't have thought of taking in any food for Mum.

Mum has a very poor appetite. She eats less and less. I don't think she wants to be here any more; don't think she wants to live. But she's not ready to give up 100% as she feels she has to look after my Dad. I think she fears that none of her surviving kids will look after Dad. This is not all guess work on my part; Mum has said as much to me in the past few months. Like any elderly infirm person who has children, she wants to be looked after and cared for. She finds it difficult to accept that what she wants and what she has are two very different things. But that's life.

I felt bad that I took so long to visit Mum but I wasn't well enough to visit her. She was so poorly that I didn't think she was well enough to be in my company. That might sound like excuses but too bad if it does. I told mum I would be back in a week. My week is up and I didn't go to see Mum or Dad. Not good but that's how it is. I had to go to work today; I don't usually work on a Monday but there was a meeting I had to attend, so I went in. Then I had an appointment with my GP. By the time I had done all that I went home. In the past I would have made the extra effort to go to Mum and Dad then suffer for it later. End up not sleeping; then get up with a blinding headache then calling in sick to work then ending up with blocked sinus because of the stress. It's not worth it so I won't do it now. I come first at last.

With any luck Mum will be home soon. Hope so for Mum's sake.