Neighbours From Hell

The awful orphan began moving in next door to me three day ago, at the weekend. I knew it would happen soon but it was a shock when it did happen. I didn't see him or his brother at all; my kids did see them. They were all alone, just the 2 of them; no mates or family to help them out. It rained all weekend while they were moving in. Maybe God was as sad as I was. Now there's been no sight or sound of them since Sunday night. A mystery. Where did they go? Have they been abducted by aliens? Could I be that lucky? Don't want to jinx my luck, so I'm going to zip it now!

What will I do when they do get here? Shall I go out in the garden and pick a fight ASAP? Shall I be cool calm and collected? Dignity personified. Or shall I pretend they don't exist? Pretend the house is still empty.

Am I going to be the neighbour from hell? Or are they going to be neighours from hell? Shall I go over and introduce myself - take over an apple pie? They might think I've poisoned it. Or shall I be cool and aloof and give them the cold shoulder? Decisions, decisions! So much to think about. So much to do.

Well I hope I'm ready for when they do get here. Better get the war paint on.

Reconciliation.

I called my mum back after our argument in 24 hours. I didn't say I was sorry because I wasn't. I was sorry for upsetting her and my Dad though. We had a civil conversation. That was my way of saying sorry. She was telling me she has no appetite. I told her she needs to eat often, she's lost too much weight. She's malnurished. After she'd discussed a couple of problems I told her I didn't call her to fight with her the day before. I hadn't planned to fight; it just happened. I fight with her about things that have nothing to do with her but indirectly they do.

I told her I needed her to tell her Grandsons that they are wrong. She needs to tell them right from wrong. I said she should have told the awful orphan, that I could not do the things he's accusing me of. I'm not that kind of person, I'm like his Mother. I told her she should have told them, don't treat my daughter like that - you have no right to do that. I wanted her to stand up for me. I wanted her to put some sense into their heads. That's not too much to ask for. I wanted her to remind them of how much my kids, my husband and I had helped them out when their Mum had died in May 2004. How we had got them thru the tough times. How we had lived as one family for 20 months after they had lost their Mum. I wanted her to remind them that we were the ones who gave them our time, our love, our affection. We were the ones who made the most effort to look after them when their Mum died. We gave their Father invaluable support and love.

I wanted my Mum to stand up for me as I had tried, my husband and my children had tried with no success. I needed my parents as elders, to stand up for their daughter who had gone beyond the call of duty when their eldest daughter had died; who had looked after the boys who were left without a Mother at the ages of 14 and 21; who had given love and support to the Son-in-law left without the love of his wife. I needed my parents to endorse what my family and I had done and to be clear about what is right and what is wrong. They didn't do that for me.

I had stood by my parents through their tough times; had given them my support in every way. Why couldn't they do that for me?

Mum and I managed to have a decent conversation at least. I'm glad about that. She understood what I was saying and realised how hurt I felt. That's a start. Another positive to add to my list.

Fight with Mother.

I phoned my Mum today, I haven't spoken to her for about a week. She said she wasn't very well. She always says that - she never says she's ok or a bit better; she's always not well. I asked how my Dad was. She told me his Parkinsons is bad. Then I asked if my brother had been over to see her. She told me he had been over the day before. She said he wasn't doing too good. She thinks he's struggling to get into work and lookafter his kids and lookafter Mum and Dad. Tell me about it. I know what that's like. I've done it. I don't have small children but I do have poor health.

I feel bad for my brother. Will I go running to help him out? Not any more. I've done it for the past 5 years and more. There's no thanks in it, no prizes, no warm fuzzy feeling, nothing. My parents aren't the loving affectionate type. Not with any of us and not with their Grandchildren either. My Mum told me that I was loved by my Dad and her more than any of the others today. That's strange because it went right by me. I don't remember being told I was loved. Remember being told I was thick as 2 short planks - does that count? Remember being fed the same food day after day - chappatti with anchor butter and sugar or a variation of the ingredients - is that being loved? I wasn't told I was loved and I wasn't hugged or kissed; I wasn't shown any affection. I was told I ate too much and that I was fat. I was told I was lazy. My mum didn't dress us up unless we were going to the cinema as a family or if we were going to my paternal aunt's home. I didn't feel loved. I did feel terrified of my Dad. Everyday when he came home from work we all felt terrified. When we heard his motorbike at night we all used to run and hide under the dining table as if it were an air raid shelter.

My mum told me it was my duty to help my brother out being his older sister. Duty is a burden I've carried whether I was the older one or not; it didn't really make much difference. Because I was the type to get stuck in. To do what needed to be done. I wasn't all talk and no action. So everyone let me get on with it all. They probably thought - she loves it, let her get on with it. It became a habit, me doing it all and them letting me do it.

I asked my Mum if my sister nisha was helping our brother. I asked if it was her duty to help her younger brother with his responsibilities. Take some of the burden. I did this because over the last five and a half years she hasn't done much. My mum said she didn't want to talk about nisha. That's nisha off the hook then. Lucky her. I asked my mum if nisha was dead. Because that's the only excuse she would have for doing nothing for my brother.

My mum told me I shouldn't treat my nephews the way I am. What does she want me to do? Does she want me to take a lot of abuse and disrespect? Because that's what I've had for the past 12 months. It's up to me how much I let myself in for. If I let them, I'd get abuse every day. I won't let that happen. So I protect myself from them. I keep away from them. I don't phone or email or text or visit. If I did we would get into a slanging match. I get wound up, angry, frustrated, I shout and scream and swear and the situation gets out of control. Better to stay away.

My Mum told me I should have sent my neice a birthday card at least. She said it's wrong to involve the children. She's right. How do I get my brother to understand that he's hurt me, my husband and all my kids? I'm told it's wrong to hurt my niece. Is he told it's wrong to hurt his neices and his nephew? Yes my kids are grown up but they still needed their uncle, their Mama. They needed his support and love and attention. They needed to be heard too. Or did he think - they are the golden children, they have everything, they have 2 parents, they lack nothing, they don't need me to say what's right or wrong, they don't need my endorsement? Who knows. Not me.

My Mum said lots of things that hurt me. I didn't articulate my feelings to her. Instead I shouted and screamed. My Mum was getting upset, I could hear my Dad in the backgroung he was shouting. He obviously wasn't on my side. I don't blame him. It's not easy having a 49 year old daughter on the end of the phone upsetting your wife. He couldn't hear me so it could only be distressing.

As soon as I put the phone down I felt awful. I felt guilty for having put my Mother through all that hurt. I didn't think about myself. Didn't think that I had only told the truth and told her how I felt. That came later, slowly. For the next 24 hours I thought about calling my Mum back to say sorry countless times.

Doctor! Doctor!

I went to see the doctor today. I told him about having not taken my mood stabilisers for over 3 weeks. Also told him I had thought of taking an overdose in the last week; and told him I might be a little on the high side. Luckily he didn't seem too alarmed. The missed mood stabilisers were an opportunity to stop taking them; wow! I'm really happy about that. I've been on those tablets for years; for the last 2 or 3 years I've wanted to come off them but not without my GP's support. So result. Now just have to get off the antidepressants. Was hoping to have my dose reduced today but because I have come off taking mood stabilisers by default, my GP wants me to leave my antidepressants as they are. I'm happy with that - seems fair.

The overdose issue was cleared up too. I knew it was not what I really wanted for myself and my family. It was over quickly; I didn't dwell on the thought and I was able to recognise that my thoughts were not rational. So my doctor ressured me there isn't a problem. I agree with him. It was a selfish thought and not very clever. I need to rise above my problems, not make more horrid problems for my kids and husband.

Am I high? Nope. I can't get to sleep - high. I can't wake up in the morning; lucky to be up by lunchtime - depressed. I can't get into work 3 days a week - depressed. I'm not well motivated to do any cooking or housework - depressed. I have a sinus infection that I can't get rid of - depressed. I decided to write a blog - high/depressed - don't know but it is theraputic. My mind races at night when I'm tired and want to sleep - depressed. So I think it's quite clear, I'm not high.

So that's my doctor doctor experience today. Pretty good despite everything. A positive to help me be more positive.

Missed Birthday.

Today it was my niece's 5th birthday. I usually send her a birthday card, a present, send a text and phone her too. But today I did none of the usual. I'm in the middle of a family feud and it involves my brother as well as other family members. So his little girl is a casualty of the feud. Not very clever on my part. It doesn't make me feel good or proud or better about this feud. It doesn't solve or help anything. It's stupid and sad if anything.

I bought my niece a birthday card 2 years ago when she was 3. I bought her a card for her 5th birthday. They didn't have this card in a 3 years old or a 4 years old only a 5 years old. I loved it so I bought it. It has a bumble bee on the front, a big round bright yellow and black bumble bee. It's a lovely bee, it has some glitter on it too, just a little. I bought her a present too. It's a cute wooden heart with her name on it in her favourite colour-purple.

I'm punishing my brother if I'm honest. Not the sort of thing I would normaly do. I'm in a crazy mad sad bad situation. I'm feeling alienated by my entire family. I'm in a crap situation. My sister totally rejected me years ago in January '06 so I have no relationship with her. My nephew - the awful orphan - decided I was the devil incarnate on 29th december '08 or thereabouts. His brother follows what he says and does blindly so he has nothing to do with me. My brother isn't willing to say what is right and what is wrong so after spending a year trying to show him I'm a decent person without any success at all, I give up. So no relationship with him either. That leaves my parents. They are old and infirm. They can't be asked to advocate on my behalf because there's nothing in it for them. So no help there. My eldest sister died in May'04 and my brother who was younger than me died 14 months later. Then my sister's husband died October last year leaving my 2 nephews orphaned. If any of them had survived instead of died I may not have found myself in this situation.

I wish my brother in law were here for purely selfish reasons. If he were I would be fine. There would be no feud, there would be no acrimony, or mistrust, or misunderstandings, or hatred, or poison, or vitriol, or crap. Also my nephews would have the guiding hand of their Father over them and they wouldn't be orphans. It's obvious that the older one needed that because he's like a very small boat lost in a massive storm as well as a greedy little so and so. I can't remember having such an awful time with my family - ever. We had our arguments, we had our problems, our ups and downs like everybody. But this. Not in my worst nightmare.

We used to fall out with each other over stuff but after a while we'd sort it out. we always ended up talking to each other. We always included each other in our families lives; special occaisions and get togethers. The fights didn't go on and on.Problems were aired and talked or shouted over. That's normal isn't it. We didn't cut each other off or cut each other out. This is a new phenomenon. A new way. A different life. Not my cup of tea; not to my taste.

Getting back to my niece; I feel bad about doing this to her. It's the only way I can think of showing my brother that it hurts me when he hurts my kids. Now he knows how I feel.

Letter to Brother.

I wrote to my brother and hand delivered the letter to him yesterday. I don't think I've ever written to him before; maybe a postcard but that's it. I wrote him a 13 page letter! It was hand written though. On A4 paper! He didn't seem surprised; took it in his stride. I'm not sure if he's going to read it though; it might just go into the bin. I waited for a text from him last night and all day today. No text. So I'm in limbo. Yesterday was bad enough; I saw my brother after a while - I thought he might ask me how I was. He knows the situation with my nephew and knows I'm stressed out. He hardly sat with me and said very little. I was in my parents home for over an hour and he really wasn't too bothered about speaking to me. My baby brother; I was always there for him. I looked after him when he was a baby from the age of 2 weeks. I was 10 and a half years old. I was a second mum to him; carried him around, didn't drop him; used to feed him, change his nappies and play with him. There's nothing I haven't done for my brother.

Like a lot of Panjabi women, I'm sentimental when it comes to family. I lookafter everybody; make sure they are all fed and watered and comfortable. I take on a lot, too much. I've always put my family first before myself and sometimes before my own children and my husband.

So I expect something back. Respect, recognition, affection, concern, love. But in real life things don't work that way. I didn't get any of the above from my brother and when I would tell him about my problems he would sit on the fence, he wouldn't say yay or nay - nothing, not a dickie bird. He just sat there getting splinters in his butt. That used to make me crazy. I would end up shouting, then screaming and swearing like a trooper. Not good. But true. I'd be frustrated, he had all the facts at his disposal, he'd known me all his life - 38 years - surely he could make a sound judgement about me. Was I that bad a person that he couldn't give me any support. Was I rotten to the core that he couldn't give me any sympathy or empathy. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have spoken up for him to him. Why wouldn't I? If I disagreed with him I would have told him; I would have put him straight. So I do feel like crap. I do feel let down. I feel rejected. No wonder I'm feeling depressed after yesterday.

Not only depressed but I have blocked sinuses too; and when I got up today, I took my meds and realised I've forgotten to take my mood stabilisers for the last 3 weeks. Oh my God! What a mess. No wonder I've been feeling light headed, heavy headed and woozy. I'd put it down to lack of sleep. Obviously I was wrong.

No News

No news today on the debt recovery. No news from the bank and none from our solicitor. Early days I guess but that doesn't mean it's all good; it's not. Got no sleep last night. Slept at about 6.30 this morning; had been reading until 3am. Decided to go to see my Mum who came out of hospital today. Mum went in 2 weeks ago with jaundice and gall stones. Saw my Dad and brother too. Felt quite depressed while I was there; Mum was ok and my Dad was in good spirits too. I gave my brother a long letter before I left; I had decided to write to him, as when I try to talk to him about my problems I end up shouting, screaming and swearing instead.

Then I went to see my friend Mim for a sympathetic ear. Didn't go to work at all as I had woken up at 12.30pm and by the time I was ready to leave I felt bad about getting into work so late.

Will try harder. Will go to work tomorrow; hopefully after at least 5 hours sleep and will work for at least 5 hours. Trying to be positive.

Debt Recovery.

My first blog and it involves debt recovery. I'm living in my dream home; I've been here since February. My husband and my son built this house and it's a fabulous house. But the bank who we owe money to have decided that our case has to go to debt recovery and that means we could loose our home. I don't blame the bank. They have given us all of this year to solve a dispute my nephew has with my husband but now they feel debt recovery is the only way forward.

It's a scary situation to be in; potentially we could loose our home to the bank. It's not the kind of experience I would wish on anybody. It's a situation that is alien to me, a situation that I would never have believed I would find myself in- not in my worst nightmare. It's surreal. The sort of thing that happens to other people; not to me.

Today our lender sent our file to debt recovery. Over the last couple of weeks quite a few solicitors letters have flown to and fro between our solicitor and my nephew's solicitor trying to reach an agreement to avoid the case going to debt recovery. But no such luck of that happening! Somebody up there doesn't like me.

So from now I will live through this situation where I have little control of events and decisions being made about my future, my home, my family and my life. It's daunting and I'm not looking forward to it all but there's not a lot I can do about it, I have to face up to it and get on with living life even though it's not easy.

The past 12 months have been no picnic so I feel equipped to deal with worse. But how much stress and strain can a person take? I've found life too difficult to deal with this year. I'm not saying I became a hermit letting life pass me by but everyday life - work, family and home life - was a struggle. Just getting a nights sleep and being able to function the next day was a struggle. It got harder as the weeks went by. Trying to get into work was hard and it got harder every week; so I started taking annual leave just to stay off work. I only work 20 hours a week but found it such a chore trying to get in. As the weeks went by I felt as if I were slipping down the side of a very high hill that I had to climb. I was trying so hard to get where I needed to be but it was almost impossible. It felt as if I was loosing this battle. But every day I thought things would be better and I would be able to do better than the day before. I was wrong - every day was a bit worse, harder and I slipped further down the hill a bit more.