Letter to Brother.

I wrote to my brother and hand delivered the letter to him yesterday. I don't think I've ever written to him before; maybe a postcard but that's it. I wrote him a 13 page letter! It was hand written though. On A4 paper! He didn't seem surprised; took it in his stride. I'm not sure if he's going to read it though; it might just go into the bin. I waited for a text from him last night and all day today. No text. So I'm in limbo. Yesterday was bad enough; I saw my brother after a while - I thought he might ask me how I was. He knows the situation with my nephew and knows I'm stressed out. He hardly sat with me and said very little. I was in my parents home for over an hour and he really wasn't too bothered about speaking to me. My baby brother; I was always there for him. I looked after him when he was a baby from the age of 2 weeks. I was 10 and a half years old. I was a second mum to him; carried him around, didn't drop him; used to feed him, change his nappies and play with him. There's nothing I haven't done for my brother.

Like a lot of Panjabi women, I'm sentimental when it comes to family. I lookafter everybody; make sure they are all fed and watered and comfortable. I take on a lot, too much. I've always put my family first before myself and sometimes before my own children and my husband.

So I expect something back. Respect, recognition, affection, concern, love. But in real life things don't work that way. I didn't get any of the above from my brother and when I would tell him about my problems he would sit on the fence, he wouldn't say yay or nay - nothing, not a dickie bird. He just sat there getting splinters in his butt. That used to make me crazy. I would end up shouting, then screaming and swearing like a trooper. Not good. But true. I'd be frustrated, he had all the facts at his disposal, he'd known me all his life - 38 years - surely he could make a sound judgement about me. Was I that bad a person that he couldn't give me any support. Was I rotten to the core that he couldn't give me any sympathy or empathy. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have spoken up for him to him. Why wouldn't I? If I disagreed with him I would have told him; I would have put him straight. So I do feel like crap. I do feel let down. I feel rejected. No wonder I'm feeling depressed after yesterday.

Not only depressed but I have blocked sinuses too; and when I got up today, I took my meds and realised I've forgotten to take my mood stabilisers for the last 3 weeks. Oh my God! What a mess. No wonder I've been feeling light headed, heavy headed and woozy. I'd put it down to lack of sleep. Obviously I was wrong.