Missed Birthday.

Today it was my niece's 5th birthday. I usually send her a birthday card, a present, send a text and phone her too. But today I did none of the usual. I'm in the middle of a family feud and it involves my brother as well as other family members. So his little girl is a casualty of the feud. Not very clever on my part. It doesn't make me feel good or proud or better about this feud. It doesn't solve or help anything. It's stupid and sad if anything.

I bought my niece a birthday card 2 years ago when she was 3. I bought her a card for her 5th birthday. They didn't have this card in a 3 years old or a 4 years old only a 5 years old. I loved it so I bought it. It has a bumble bee on the front, a big round bright yellow and black bumble bee. It's a lovely bee, it has some glitter on it too, just a little. I bought her a present too. It's a cute wooden heart with her name on it in her favourite colour-purple.

I'm punishing my brother if I'm honest. Not the sort of thing I would normaly do. I'm in a crazy mad sad bad situation. I'm feeling alienated by my entire family. I'm in a crap situation. My sister totally rejected me years ago in January '06 so I have no relationship with her. My nephew - the awful orphan - decided I was the devil incarnate on 29th december '08 or thereabouts. His brother follows what he says and does blindly so he has nothing to do with me. My brother isn't willing to say what is right and what is wrong so after spending a year trying to show him I'm a decent person without any success at all, I give up. So no relationship with him either. That leaves my parents. They are old and infirm. They can't be asked to advocate on my behalf because there's nothing in it for them. So no help there. My eldest sister died in May'04 and my brother who was younger than me died 14 months later. Then my sister's husband died October last year leaving my 2 nephews orphaned. If any of them had survived instead of died I may not have found myself in this situation.

I wish my brother in law were here for purely selfish reasons. If he were I would be fine. There would be no feud, there would be no acrimony, or mistrust, or misunderstandings, or hatred, or poison, or vitriol, or crap. Also my nephews would have the guiding hand of their Father over them and they wouldn't be orphans. It's obvious that the older one needed that because he's like a very small boat lost in a massive storm as well as a greedy little so and so. I can't remember having such an awful time with my family - ever. We had our arguments, we had our problems, our ups and downs like everybody. But this. Not in my worst nightmare.

We used to fall out with each other over stuff but after a while we'd sort it out. we always ended up talking to each other. We always included each other in our families lives; special occaisions and get togethers. The fights didn't go on and on.Problems were aired and talked or shouted over. That's normal isn't it. We didn't cut each other off or cut each other out. This is a new phenomenon. A new way. A different life. Not my cup of tea; not to my taste.

Getting back to my niece; I feel bad about doing this to her. It's the only way I can think of showing my brother that it hurts me when he hurts my kids. Now he knows how I feel.